If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
