My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
