"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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