He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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