i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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