when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
