My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you traded sex for a burrito?
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
