Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
