Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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