My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
