rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
