I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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