the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize