Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
