I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
