Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
