It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
