wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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