It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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