hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
