can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
