You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
They are going to name an STD after you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
