I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
