If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
