I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
