On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Randomize
