omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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