Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
