Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
