i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
