Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
