Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
