just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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