I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
