Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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