Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
