I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
