I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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