did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
