Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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