i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
