I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
