he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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