I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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