You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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