It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
