hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
