the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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