Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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