Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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