This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
