My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
