You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
