He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
