i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
