my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
