The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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